Nothing Livens Up the Night Quite Like An Existential Crisis

For those that read "A Reflection," you know that I decided to look into my attention issues back in May by getting a psych evaluation done. Well, I got the report back and it's a real fun read. I thought for a quick update that I would share some of my favorite quotes from it.

Now I know this may sound strange to some of you, but stick with me because there are some choice sentences that can only come from the highly impersonal medium that is a medical report.

Exhibit A: "Ryan's legal history is unremarkable." I'm not quite sure why, as I don't necessarily want to have a criminal record, but that sentence just made me feel really uncool. The only reason that sentence exists is to serve as proof that I was asked about any legal troubles in my past. And yet, I still feel like I'm missing out. I understand that I could change this instantly, but I still don't want to.

Which makes me feel even more uncool.

Exhibit B: "According to Ryan, he met his developmental milestones within normal timeframes." Okay, that feels like you are accusing me. Do I not seem like a person that developed in a normal way?

Immediate next sentence: "He denied a history of head injuries." Now I feel like I look like a person who has a history of head injuries.

Just to clarify, I did have a head injury. Tripped over my own feet as a toddler and busted my head open on the decorative handles of the TV. Have a scar to this day. However, because it only happened once it's not considered "history" enough.

Exhibit C: "Socially, Ryan has been married to his wife for six years." Technically, I believe the term should be "legally," but I guess "socially" works, too. Maybe we can edit Exhibit A to say "Ryan's legal history consists of two traffic warnings and a marriage certificate." I still feel uncool, but at least there's something there.

Exhibit D: You ever say something in the moment without really thinking about it, but when you are reminded of it later you can't help but laugh because you find yourself hilarious? No? That's just me? Weird. Anyways, when we were discussing how my brain thinks about 5 or 6 topics at a time, I was asked how long do those periods where I can't shut off my brain usually last for. This woman, for the first time in the report, made it clear that she was quoting me verbatim and my response just tickled me.

"According to Ryan, these are not periods but rather 'just generally who I am as a person.'"

I guess there's no medical translation for that.

These next few are fun in a different way. When describing how you function and your character traits, they can't really hold anything back. Nothing is supposed to be written in a way that could make it easy to misinterpret or attempt to not hurt the readers feelings. Therefore things are just stated. And I understand that this was a breakdown of who I am and it was the purpose of why I was there, but I feel like I have to say it...

Exhibit E: "Ryan's profile indicates he may fear public humiliation." That would be correct. Didn't even have to verbalize it. They just knew.

The worst part about this one is that the profile was compiled by a multiple choice, pen & paper test. I was never once asked directly about humiliation. Even the paper worked it out. It also worked out "he may suffer from feelings of inadequacy." The paper knows too much and must be destroyed.

Finally, my personal favorite that just feels like a straight up attack:

Exhibit F: "his tirelessness does not necessarily result in effective achievements."

We're over here having a nice chat and then that sentence is just buried in a paragraph. Might as well say “interesting, you get these long bursts of energy where you feel like you can actually focus on a task, something that you can't do most of the time? That's pretty great...

bet you don't get anything done, though.”

The report did carry good things. I did quite well on the mental function and IQ tests. This was really interesting to me for a few reasons. First, I have always wanted to be given a proper IQ test. Second, I didn't know that that was what I was doing. The doctor didn't outright state what we were doing. We just jumped into all these different, somewhat abstract, tasks.

For example, one of the tasks was to connect numbers and letters to complete a trail. For one of the trails the average time it took to complete was 75 seconds. I did it in 19.

Unfortunately, but also fortunately, maybe. I don't really know. I'm very undecided...

This first evaluation couldn't outright identify any diagnosis. There are signs that I struggle with attention at times, but because I also have these long stretches where I can focus on a task put in front of me, numerous of the tests I was given were deemed unusable. There was one test that was timed to take exactly 15 minutes and involved reacting to visual and auditory cues. Well I was nearly perfect for about 4 of those minutes. Then I zoned out, but kinda kept doing the test without actually paying attention. At some point I remembered I was supposed to be doing a task and then was able to really focus again for a few minutes. But then zoned out and again continued the test without any idea of what I was doing. Apparently, even when zoned out I was having these weird stretches of accuracy surrounded by absolute nonsense.

The test didn't like that. Said the whole thing was now nonsense.

I'll be getting another evaluation at some point in the near future from a more specialized neuropsychologist. While I wish I had gotten a definitive answer immediately so I could start working on ways to reach effective achievements, I'm somewhat looking forward to doing more specialized tests.

This first evaluation was more of a mental diagnostic job fair. Got depression? Anxiety? PTSD? What's your IQ score? I want you to tell me about your personality. Now I want you to take a multiple choice test that will tell me about your personality. What's your family like? Have any friends? Commit any crimes? Drug use? Alcohol use? What about caffeine?

You're being guided to go through every booth and if any of those raise any flags for one of the booths you already walked through, you would be taken back to them. I think I had to do 2 different depression and anxiety questionnaires, as well as multiple verbal assurances that I'm fortunate enough that those aren't something I struggle with.

Where the next evaluation will, hopefully, be more precise. We don't need to worry about those other items, we can just focus. All I have for now is a report that basically verifies what I already knew about my brain: capable of functioning quickly, but also...