1-Year Anniversary

​I procrastinated.

Although, not entirely.

I didn’t put off writing, but rather I focused on writing other things. Mostly plot points for Dungeons and Dragons. Trying to end a year-long+ campaign in a, hopefully, satisfying way, while also putting together a story for a new campaign.

Those somewhat familiar may ask, “Well, Ryan, aren’t those adventures pre-made? They sell them at Target now.” Yes, they do, but those are beginner sets. There are more advanced adventures out there too. “Oh, like those books at Barnes & Noble?” Those are the ones.

And I do. As a starting point. But that’s not enough. Those in the know will understand me when I say that those stories and worlds are fantastically built and developed, but they don’t fit every party. Nor do they account for every possible story choice your players could make. I have to adapt the world and the story being told to fit my players’ interests, their character’s goals, and both the strengths and weaknesses that they bring to the table.

If you have never played Dungeons & Dragons, you should really give it a chance. It has something for everyone. Storytelling, improvisation, fantasy, fighting, magic, puzzle solving, emotion, and moments of pure, unfiltered, chaos that you and a small group of friends will continue to reference years later. Such as that time the party had a really good plan going into a stressful dinner meeting with the leader of a fort run by an evil group of cultists. They even had a “let’s attack” codeword at the ready to use in case one of them felt things were going downhill, sensed danger, or saw an opening, so that the group couldn’t be surprised by an ambush. Then one of the player’s got so wrapped up in the conversation and the imaginary feast they asked “what’s for dessert?” Forgetting that the codeword was “dessert.” I still do not understand how none of them died in that encounter, but alas.

All that being said, the purpose of this post isn’t to make excuses about why I stopped writing Ptolemy’s Tales or how I refocused my creative energy. On the contrary, the purpose of this is to take a look at the last year and reflect. Then, to set a goal for this time next year and lay out the steps for how I plan to make it there.

Over the last twelve months,

I have made twenty-six individual postings. Three of which are from the first draft of my novel, Ptolemy’s Tales of the Last Frontier. Eight of which are creations I put together through the use of Story Dice and an hour-long timer. The rest are behind the scenes looks at the writing, my creating process, and, occasionally, my life. However, the one I want to focus upon is the very first.

On June 17, 2020, I posted “The Purpose” of why I was starting a website. I began it by revealing that I had been working on achieving my life-long goal of wanting to publish a book. The idea of me writing a book has never seemed outlandish, but I kept the fact that I had been working on one almost exclusively to myself for years. I would mention it to my wife every now and then when I bought another book about the same explorer or when I needed someone to bounce ideas off of. But other than that, I didn’t really talk about it.

I was always afraid of failing. Furthermore, I knew (and know) that I wasn’t (and am not) dedicating enough time to it in order to actually reach that goal any time soon. In that post I explained that the reasons boiled down to “some delicious cocktail of undiagnosed A.D.D., surprisingly low self-esteem, and hyper perfectionism.” By making it public knowledge, I hoped that my mind could start to overcome some of that.

Honestly, it did. For a little bit.

From June 2020 to February 2021 is when I made all twenty-six posts. That averages to about three posts a month. These are the “better done than perfect,” victories. Those moments when my brain told me “Hey, you need to write and put it out to the world so you can feel like you are held accountable.” And so I did.

From February to June 2021 is when I made zero posts. I put a reminder on my To-Do list back in March that bluntly said “Try to remember that you want to write a novel.” Not even telling myself to write. Just start with remembering that you want to write. I look at that To-Do list daily and never once felt I was able to remove it. Not that I didn’t want to write this book or tell this story that I love, but because other things seemed more important at the time. It was like the bartender in my brain had brought back the old house specials menu and that was all I wanted. A mix of A.D.D. and low self-esteem hit the spot every day.

Strangely, the perfectionism was missing this time around, but it still brought me the same comfort that it did before. The undiagnosed A.D.D. tells me that I shouldn’t sit and write for an hour when I have other things that I could/need to be doing. The low self-esteem reinforces those thoughts by telling me that I’m not letting anyone down if I don’t write. No one is really interested anyway.

Which I know isn’t entirely true. But it’s also not entirely false. But again, that’s not supposed to be The Purpose of this website. The Purpose isn’t to make a world of people care, but for me to have an outlet that makes my goal something real and tangible. Something I can look back on when I hit those ruts and see that I have been making progress and to keep going.

Today, on the one-year anniversary of this website, I re-read “The Purpose.” Today, three months after I told myself I needed to remember that I wanted to write a novel, I checked it off my list. Now it simply reads “Write.” Just to be sure I don’t ignore it again, I set it to notify me every three days.

Where do I go now?

I decided to return to my outline. Not to make any major changes, but to finish it. The very rough, vague plot points isn’t good enough, even though it felt like it was when I started writing the draft.

I hit a wall in early February after I posted what I had for Chapter 2 (which I still haven’t finished). As I was struggling through, what is now, Chapter 3, I realized that I needed to flip some story beats for things to make more sense. Then I realized that those beats weren’t fleshed out enough. Then my world froze over.

That’s not a metaphor. It literally froze over. Texas in February 2021 was not a fun place to live. Random losses of power, no running water for over a week, fear that power could be gone for weeks or months, and a seven month old child my wife and I were focused on keeping alive.

That’s not a metaphor. It literally froze over. Texas in February 2021 was not a fun place to live. Random losses of power, no running water for over a week, fear that power could be gone for weeks or months, and a seven month old child my wife and I were focused on keeping alive.

Don’t worry. We succeeded.

All that to say, I’m refocused now. Real life got in the way in February and I lost the desire to do anything other than melt snow so that I could flush the toilet. When I tried to go back to writing after running water came back, I didn’t know where to start. I had hit everything on the outline for chapter 2. And yet, the chapter wasn’t done. That's when I just stopped trying.

Over the next couple of months, two things happened that really helped guide me.

First, a guest on the “Real Doctors, Fake Friends” Podcast (it’s a Scrubs rewatch podcast with the original stars. Very good) asked Zach Braff what he does when he gets writer’s block. Braff explained that he doesn’t really experience writer’s block because if he can’t think of what comes next, it usually means there is something wrong with his outline. “Oh interesting,” my brain thought, “maybe I should look at my outline again.”

Then I didn’t. A.D.D. wins again. I’ve pretty much known for over a decade that I have had some kind of level of Attention Deficit Disorder my entire life. It’s why I never lived up to my potential as a student and struggled with the most mundane of things. A few weeks after I had the thought to revisit my outline, I realized that I hadn't actually done it. Like always, I did other things. Then I had the same thought that I always do, "I should probably see a doctor about this." Unlike all those other times, this time I did.

In May 2021, I spent a few hours with a psychologist for an evaluation. No results as of yet, but at least there’s a near future in which I will know a little more about my brain and will have some ways to combat whatever is actually going on up there.

This is where I find myself now. June 17, 2021. Exactly one year after I wrote "The Purpose," with a plan. I found my tone. I found a perspective for Ptolemy. And I am ready to find a way forward.

By the end of 2021, I hope to have the outline for Act 1 completely finished and posted online. I realize that isn’t a very lofty goal, but saying I’ll have all chapters of Act 1 completed is a level of commitment that terrifies me. But that would be pretty awesome. Let’s make that the big goal for June 17, 2022. That doesn’t seem quite as unrealistic. Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t believe I can do it. And yet, I somewhat do. Self-esteem is a weird thing.

I know how capable of a writer I am. I know how creative I can be and how well I can put a story together. I know that the story in my head is one worth telling and that it will blow some away. Unfortunately, I also know my brain and it’s tendencies.

Therefore, I am going to try a slightly different approach this year.

First, a personal motivation from my wonderful wife to keep writing:

“Done is better than perfect.”

Second, a quote from the fantastic writer Marc Bernardin that I feel speaks for itself:

“Be humble,

But let motherfuckers know.”